When Pregnancy and Marriage Go Hand in Hand

Dr. Sarah Stedman

"Be a Spouse or Be a Parent"

Whether one looks at the question from a spiritual or psychological viewpoint, the fact is that building a committed relationship and becoming parents are two separate tasks. Especially during the first year, both a marriage and a child require enormous investments of energy, and when you superimpose them neither task gets the proper attention.

Spiritually, the question comes down to quality of commitment. I am curious whether, in these situations, women are more interested in being a mother than in being married. Would research suggest that it is more the women's idea to have a baby and the men just go along with the fantasy? In the absence of such data, the question becomes one of priorities and commitment: Is it more important to be a spouse or a parent? From a spiritual standpoint, the best parenting grows out of a mature and thoughtful commitment between partners; such a quality of commitment is not reflected in the behavior of the celebrity couples mentioned.

Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW

"Sex Educators: They Know What They're Talking About"

Morality aside, the thought of intentionally bringing a child into the world before you're married is asking for trouble. Couples who bypass the honeymoon period and go straight to diapers, bottles and nonstop infant caretaking rob themselves of the essential time needed early in marriage to be alone, really get to know each other and build a foundation that will last a lifetime. Babies are the best gift life has to offer, but trust me on this one, they are incredibly demanding and require nothing short of selfless nurturing. Spontaneous sex, weekends away, raucous parties with friends, endless hours at the health club ‑- activities that many newlyweds enjoy ‑- swiftly become a thing of the past once a baby is added to the mix. Long, loving glances and meaningful conversations are replaced by negotiations about who will get up for the 2am feeding. There's a reason sex-ed classes teach kids, "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes ___ with the baby carriage." It may be old-fashioned, but it's still the best arrangement.

Dr. Ruth

"Any Reason to Walk Down the Aisle... "

I wouldn't worry as much about the couples who tie the knot after they find themselves expecting a child as I would about those who have children and don't tie the knot at all. Since I'm all for getting married, I'll accept any valid reason to walk down the aisle, and a growing baby certainly fills that bill. Of course, if two people are getting married just to give the child a set of parents, but not because they love each other enough to get married, then that could certainly make for an unstable situation. And as for as these celebrities, most have the money to hire nannies, which can help them avoid some of the pressures that other couples face, having to constantly care for their young children. But regardless of whether a couple lives inside or outside of Hollywood, if one person suddenly realizes, "I think we got married for the wrong reasons, and I no longer want to be with this person," then this marriage is not going to make it. So couples who find themselves expecting a baby before getting married should make sure they are aware of those pitfalls. If and when there are any signs of trouble, they should go for counseling as soon as possible.

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