When Pregnancy and Marriage Go Hand in Hand

Perhaps it's the celeb-obsessed media bringing these issues to the fore, but we couldn't help but notice that quite a few couples in Hollywood ‑- including Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow, and now, the infamous Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ‑- have found themselves expecting a baby before tying the knot. We've been surprised at the lack of finger wagging. Didn't all of those sex-ed classes teach us that the order of things is supposed to be love, marriage, then baby? Forgetting the moral argument, what we want to know is: What's the impact on the relationship when becoming Mom and Dad goes almost hand in hand with becoming Mister and Missus? We asked six members of our Love Council to weigh in.

Dan Cronin

"Love, Marriage, Sleep, Lots of Sleep, Baby"

Thank Goldie Hawn. She paved the way for you folks. No one else spurned the altar, had kids out of wedlock and gave off a "what are you gonna do, judge me?" type attitude with more aplomb.

But what about the relationships? I think those celebrity couples will weather the storm just fine. They'll be sprawling in fully equipped, nanny-filled mansions that help make kids a nice little addition to, instead of a constant drain on, their relationship. Even in a dire pinch, they still have members of Coldplay or Matt Damon to turn to. For us common folk, I don't think it's even an issue. Most of us know better than to rush these things. I love my kids an insane amount. But part of me still refers to them as "the people who stole my inalienable right as a human being to sleep." We knew it would be that way when we had children. We weren't just like, "Hey, we're in our late 20s with little responsibility and a new loving relationship ‑- let's ruin it!" Sleep, people. That's why you do things in the proper order. Sleep.

Cathi Hanauer
&
Daniel Jones

"No More Sex? This Is Marriage?"

Dan: The first year of marriage can be hard enough; adding a baby to the mix makes it all the more weighty and difficult. Perhaps the greatest danger to a new marriage when a baby arrives is that the newlyweds focus all of their love and attention on the baby, where, of course, it should be. But this often leaves the new marriage to wither. Gone is the tender affection for the spouse. Redirected are the supportive words. A marriage with a few years' foundation can better weather this phase because the partners, ideally, will be able to see it as just that, a phase. But newlyweds may be more apt to think: This is marriage? Being ignored? Being ordered around the house? Never sleeping? No more sex? Ever?

Cathi: To me, the important thing in deciding to have a baby with someone isn't whether there's a ring on your finger and a certificate at town hall, but how you feel about and get along with each other. (I could name 20 gay couples I know who are successfully raising kids together without saying "I do" in the classic sense.)

That said, since having a baby, wonderful as it is, is one of the most monumental and stressful things to happen to a marriage or relationship, ideally you'd want to save it until after you've at least decided whether you want to be in a long-term couple with the baby's father ‑- and preferably until after you've given that an actual try. Or at least until you've figured out how you'll manage financially and emotionally should the relationship end (and preferably until after you've given that an actual try) ‑- or, if you don't want to, how you'll manage financially, physically and emotionally to raise the child with someone else or without help from any steady, solid partner.

That's probably not a huge issue for the likes of Gwyneth/Chris/Jen/Ben and the ever-present TomKat because money is plentiful (and money buys good child care). But for most of us lowly noncelebs, there's a logic behind the customary order of love, marriage, baby carriage. If you're going to buck the custom, make sure you have a well-thought-out alternate plan.

next>