Discover Your True Priorities and Plan a Better Wedding

Once the afterglow of engagement wears off, brides are left with a tall order: Planning a wedding. With too much interference from well-meaning relatives and friends, not enough input from the groom and mountains of bridal magazines, you might not even know where to begin. That is why this excerpt from Instant Weddings by Jennifer L. Shawne is so useful. By asking yourself a few simple questions, you can discover what tops your priority list and plan your wedding accordingly. Get started here:

A wedding is a lot like an orchestra -- many different elements come together to make one cohesive event. But just as a symphony might feature strings more than horns, not all aspects of the wedding are equal in importance. The following pages are intended to help you determine what you'll need to focus on in the days, weeks, or months to follow, think about these issues separately and then come together to compare notes over dinner or, since you're in a hurry, coffee. You might find you agree on everything. More likely, some discussion and compromise may need to occur.

Because time is of the essence, you will both need to put a lot of effort -- separately and together -- into planning. You will need to collaborate on the invitation list and the ceremony, for example. Other responsibilities may be split up. One benefit of setting priorities separately is that it will give you a good sense of what matters more to which person. If your fiance cares deeply about the music, then he should hire the musicians. If you're more keen on floral arrangements, then that can be your assignment. If neither of you is in dire need of a wedding cake, then save planning the dessert for last.

To begin, try to imagine the wedding you've always wanted. How many people will be there? Is there a huge wedding party? Just a handful of guests? What type of environment will you have -- outdoors or at a hotel or in your folks' backyard? Is it daytime or nighttime? What's the decor like? Are you wearing a traditional gown or something colorful and funky? Is it a sit-down dinner or a champagne brunch? Once you have a clear picture in your head, write it all down, making note of what's missing in your vision. For example, you may not imagine yourself in a limo, meaning special transportation is a low priority. Weddings tend to be heavy on details. Being very specific about what you want will save you time in the search for vendors and locations. A well-thought-out plan means that you're also less likely to overlook some important component.

Below is a list of the things you'll need to think about. You and your fiance may find it helpful to create a worksheet, dividing your wedding into the following sections and taking copious brainstorming notes under each category. When you compare notes, highlight the similarities and negotiate over the differences between each of your wishes.

Budget

How much do you want to spend? Is it more or less than what you have available? A budget tends to be the final arbiter in a lot of decisions, so keep it realistic.

Size

How many guests do you want at the ceremony and at the reception? Are children welcome? Just family, or are friends included too? Last-minute arrangements may be difficult for faraway guests to make, lowering the number of invitees who will be able to make it.

Location

Are you going to the chapel or to your favorite park? Do you want to be married close to home, close to relatives or somewhere faraway and exotic? Indoors or outdoors? Hotel ballroom or backyard? Keep in mind that popular locations have long been booked.

Time of Day

This element may have a big impact on what sort of reception you'll have -- brunch, dinner or champagne and cake -- which in turn has a lot to do with the size of your budget. If time of day isn't important to either of you, you'll have an easier time getting a location you want.

Ceremony

Will it be traditional, religious, secular, or downright weird? What best expresses your personalities and beliefs? If you have a specific officiant in mind, is he or she available on such short notice?

Reception

From potlucks to fancy feasts -- brides and grooms have done it all. Consider your budget, the time of day, and your own quirky palates, and the logical food choice and party style will emerge.

Wedding Party

Will you be having just a witness, thank you very much, or will everyone and their cousins be included? Flower girls and ring bearers? What will your attendants be wearing?

Communication

How will people learn about your wedding -- do you need fancy invites, or will phone calls suffice? Will a wedding Web site be helpful, or does everything need to be written on parchment? Invites are another of those order-well-in-advance items -- that is, if you order from a stationery store.

Rings

Do you prefer simple bands that can be purchased at any jewelry shop, or do your lovely fingers require brand names or custom-made? Is there a special ring -- perhaps, a mother's or grandmother's -- that you'd prefer to wear? Or maybe matching tattoos are more your thing. If the budget or the schedule is tight, are you willing to wear a temporary ring and get a fancier one later on?

Dress

Oh yes, the dress! Aside from gorgeous, will it be new, used, rented, or borrowed? Will it be white, ivory, blue, or fire-engine red? Will the fellows don tuxedos or freestyle it in suits or something more casual?

Photography

There are a surprising number of options here. While most people default to traditional posed wedding photographs, photojournalistic style is growing in popularity. Video? Disposable cameras? Digital? While some people pooh-pooh the importance of photography, unlike the music or food it will be around for many years.

Food/Catering

Everything from a potluck to a gourmet sit-down dinner is possible. Do you want to hire a caterer separate from the venue, or would you prefer an all-inclusive package? What type of food do you want? Are there any special dishes you'd like to have served? Will your caterer just be providing the food, or will they be involved in coordinating the decorations as well?

Alcohol

Will it be free-flowing or not at all? Will you limit to beer, champagne, and wine or will you cough up the dough for an open bar? Are your friends and family the types to be offended if they're asked to pay for well drinks, or will they accept it as par for the course?

Entertainment

Live or Memorex? Is it important that a specific band or vocalist play? A surprising number of people have strong feelings for or against wedding DJs. Do you plan to have dancing at your reception or just background music while guests mingle?

Cake

Wedding cakes often need to be ordered well in advance, while gourmet birthday cakes are readily available on short notice. Some brides and grooms are opting for cupcakes or even doughnut towers. This writer served tasty flan at her wedding. What do you want to serve for dessert?

Rehearsal Dinner

This is traditionally paid for by the groom's family, but not every guy's parents are that generous or well-off. Will you have one? Who will pay for it? How big will it be? Can his parents organize it, or will the planning be up to you? Many restaurants have special banquet rooms or will host parties during off-hours. If there's a place you adore, you may want to find out if it's available.

Honeymoon

You may dream of exiting beneath a shower of birdseed and heading straight to the airport. Or that may sound like a big pain in the butt to you. Where do you want to go and when? Will you need to take time off work? Do you want to relax or explore a new place? Is the honeymoon included in the wedding budget or will it be paid for separately?

Legal issues

Your tax and financial status are going to change. Your country of residence may become different as well. Perhaps you're expecting a baby. One or both of you may change your last name. Plus there's that whole wedding license make-it-official thing to think about. The road to Happily Ever After is strewn with paperwork, so start putting your documents together and make any necessary calls to lawyers and accountants as soon as possible.

Miscellaneous

Many doodads have been tacked onto the standard wedding components -- limousines, ceremony programs, commemorative place card holders, personalized swizzle sticks, party favors, disposable cameras, groom's cakes, engraved cake cutting and serving sets, plumed pens for the guest book, musical garters, toasting glasses, bridal purses, and so on. This list could go on for pages. Ask yourself, which are must-haves and what can you do without?

Writing it down

There are a number of ways you can approach the process of recording priorities on paper. You and your fiance may each want to make a page for every category, list the basic elements and write next to each: Very Important, Important, Not sure, No Big Thing, or No Thank You. Or make three columns -- Must Have, Would Like, and Don't Want -- and list items underneath them. These documents, along with the many materials you'll be collecting during your planning, can be stored in a binder for easy reference. Four-by-six-inch index cards are another good route and can be organized along with business cards in a small file or box. You might write the category at the top of the card (Flowers, Food, or Music), list the related details below (Bouquets, Sit-down Dinner, or DJ), and rank the importance of each from 1 to 5. For the engineering-minded, a cost-benefit analysis, complete with the pros and cons of each element, could work. A more creative approach might be a brainstorm page, covered with notes, circles, connecting lines, and cute drawings. Each couple has a personal approach to getting organized; use the method that works best for you.

Identifying priorities is not easy. The process forces you to search deep inside and figure out just what it is that you really want, that you really care about. When you make the shocking discovery -- and, inevitably, you will -- that the person with whom you're about to spend the rest of your life has different ideas than you do about something as important as your wedding day, you may be tempted to freak out. Don't. Differences are normal and part of the wonderful process of living life together. The good news is that by setting priorities you and your sweetie will be working things out in advance. As a result, you'll be able to move forward with a focused, united vision rather than winging it. You'll save time, too. Rather than meeting with a caterer and saying, "Um, well, what would you recommend?" you'll be able to provide him or her with very clear ideas about what you want and don't want, and you'll find that everything moves along much faster.

Making Time

Kiss your life goodbye for a few weeks, roll up those sleeves, and get to work! Planning a wedding is no small task, and when time is limited it's bound to get in the way of your usual routine.