Planning a wedding is often an exercise in diplomacy, and choosing your attendants is no exception. If you're struggling over who should be in your bridal party, wondering how large it should be or confused about what each role means, take a look at this useful excerpt from Guide to Planning a Wedding. Here, author Stephanie Pedersen outlines everyone's duties from the maid of honor to the mother of the bride.

Surrounding yourself with people you love on your wedding day is a wonderful tradition. In the not-so-distant past, the number of helpers you chose was dictated by fairly inflexible wedding etiquette: one female attendant and one male attendant for every 50 guests. Today, however, professional nuptial experts say a couple is free to have as many or as few attendants as they desire. A bride and groom can even go completely attendant-less, choosing to walk down the aisle alone and stand at the altar with only each other.

When choosing attendants -- especially a maid of honor and a best man -- consider how competent and responsible the candidate is. Remember, these people will be entrusted with wedding plans, wedding rings, cash and gifts. You need someone you can trust in these roles!

Who does what

There are several types of attendants to choose from, each of whom has their special responsibilities, perks and wedding uniform:

Your attendants

• Maid of honor: Also known as a matron of honor if she is married, this is the bride's right-hand-gal. She helps the bride plan the wedding, and supports her during the ceremony. She organizes the bridal shower and fulfills numerous wedding day responsibilities, including walking down the aisle behind the bride, holding the groom's ring on her thumb, toasting the couple, as well as collecting gift envelopes at the reception.
  
  
• Best man: The male equivalent to a maid of honor. He helps plan the bachelor party, making sure things don't go in a direction disrespectful of the bride. If there is a co-ed wedding shower, the best man helps the maid of honor with the planning. He traditionally drives the groom to the wedding, keeps the bride's ring, gives the officiant his or her fee after the ceremony, and offers a reception toast.
  
  
• Bridesmaids: A support group for the maid of honor, they help her organize pre-wedding parties and perform nuptial tasks. It is the bridesmaids who throw the bride a sexy bachelorette party. In keeping with their party hostess image, bridesmaids may be asked to lure guests onto the dance floor during the reception.
  
  
• Groomsmen: Any number of men who help the best man and the groom with wedding plans. At the ceremony, the groomsmen accompany the bridesmaids down the aisle; they may also act as ushers before joining the wedding party at the altar.
  
  
• Flower girl: A young girl, aged between three and eight, who walks in front of the bride with a basket of flower petals, which she scatters about. After walking down the aisle, the flower girl sits down for the duration of the ceremony. Most flower children sit with their parents after completing their ceremonial duties.
  
  
• Ring bearer: A young boy, aged between three and eight, who walks down the aisle just before the flower girl -- or in front of the bride if there is no flower girl. The ring bearer carries a small, decorative pillow, on which two rings have been attached. These rings are usually fake as a precautionary measure against loss or misplacement of the real things.
  
  
• Ushers: For many people, the term usher is synonymous with groomsman. Some weddings, however, feature separate people whose sole job is to seat guests. In the past, ushers were exclusively male. Today, however, female ushers are becoming increasingly common.

In the past, the rules dictating the roles of family members and attendants were strictly defined and adhered to. Today, the etiquette is far more flexible. Make sure that everyone knows precisely what he or she is supposed to be doing.

The proud parents

• Mother of the bride: While not so much a position as a point of fact, the mother of the bride does incur a few responsibilities, including walking her daughter down the aisle if her daughter desires, and being reception hostess, reception toaster, and emotional support for the bride. If a bride's parents will be helping to fund the wedding, the bride's mother may also act as a financial advisor of sorts.
  
  
• Mother of the groom: The groom's mother attends the bridal shower and rehearsal dinner with the rest of the wedding party. At the ceremony, she may be escorted up the aisle during the prelude. And, of course, for weddings that have dancing at the reception, she gets to dance the mother-son dance with the groom.
  
  
• Father of the bride: He may or may not help with the funding of his daughter's wedding. Other duties might include walking his daughter down the aisle, helping the couple find a wedding site, ferrying guests to and from the wedding site and reception venue, as well as initiating "man-to-man" talks with his future son-in-law about topics from the bachelor party to the groom's place in the bride's family. Heartfelt reception toasts are commonly given by the father of the bride, as well.
  
  
• Father of the groom: He and the groom's mother might help the bride and groom fund various parts of the wedding -- traditionally, the groom's side paid for the rehearsal dinner. The father of the groom might also help the father of the bride find a wedding location, offer wedding toasts, and address any service problems that arise during the wedding and reception.

Other important people: Of course, there are some people whom you will have to have present, including your wedding officiant -- the person who will conduct your wedding vows. You may also like to invite a close friend to do a reading at your ceremony. If you are having a large wedding, or are particularly sociable souls and have a large circle of loved ones, there are a few other people you can add to your nuptial lineup:

• Very important people: Kind of a made-up, feel-good title given to important people who perform a variety of tasks. Depending upon your individual wedding, a VIP can be a singer, solo musician, party aide, general event coordinator, or guest-book monitor.
  
  
• Junior bridesmaids: Young women, typically aged between nine and 15, who dress and function as bridesmaids.
  
  
• Junior groomsmen: Young men, generally aged between nine and 15, who dress and act as groomsmen.
  
  
• Junior ushers: Usually young men, though they can be young women, aged between nine and 15, who dress the same, and perform the same duties as adult ushers.
  
  
• Candle lighter: In some Christian ceremonies, boys or girls aged between nine and 12 light candles at the altar just before the mother of the bride is seated. Candle lighters usually dress like the wedding party.
  
  
• Train bearers: (They are also called pages.) Young boys or girls, aged between six and nine, who carry the bride's extra-long train as she walks down the aisle. Do not use train bearers, however, if your dress does not have a train!
  
  
• Going without wedding attendants: You can get married in a perfectly lovely way without wedding attendants. I realize I am repeating myself here; but bridesmaids, parents, ushers, ring bearers, flower girls -- none is mandatory. The reasons a couple might decide to go ahead and marry without bridesmaids, groomsmen, and the rest, include economy, lack of any one or more persons "special" enough to perform the duties, a small or alternative-style ceremony, elopement, and, of course, personal preference. Many second-time and older couples forgo having folk flank them at the altar. It is perhaps more dramatic to stand alone -- just you and your partner -- which is why younger couples with an independent streak often also eschew attendants. It's your wedding, your choice.