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My wedding is in 10 days. It is bad enough that I live 200 miles from my wedding site and that my mother and I are fighting all the time about that inconvenience, but all my bridesmaids live far away as well. They are complaining about the dresses incessantly; they are planning things that are not conducive to the wedding schedule; they are whining and moaning about everything; they are inviting people I did not invite. I truly don't care if I ever see any of them again after the wedding. They don't understand my stress or that I need them to talk to me and make me laugh. (I'm the first to get married in the group.) Will this pass? Or is being a bridesmaid the ultimate test of friendship?

bethany417

our experts say:

The Wedding Women answer:

Dear Bethany:

Being asked to be a special part of a friend's wedding can be a test of friendship, it's true. But although tensions do arise, most brides and their bridesmaids usually make it through the experience with their friendship intact. What you're going through may be a result of having out-of-town bridesmaids -- you're frustrated because you would rather they were nearby to offer you much-needed help and support, and they feel frustrated because they're so far away and can't figure out what you want and need from them. Part of the problem may also be that your bridesmaids have no experience with or understanding of the role they are to play in your wedding. If it's not too late, try telling them -- calmly, nicely, and with obvious appreciation -- what you expect from them as bridesmaids. If you haven't done so already, send them a schedule of events for your wedding weekend, with all the when-and-where details they need to know. If you're still feeling short-handed, you may have to disguise requests for help as honors: Ask one bridesmaid if she'd like to "be the one" to put on your headpiece and veil. Ask another if she'd like to be the attendant who "gets" to accompany you to the beauty salon. Ask the maid of honor if she'd be "in charge" of making sure all bridesmaids' dress issues are resolved -- and send any future complaints her way. Be sure to show your appreciation of anything your bridesmaids do to help, though. Remember, being a bridesmaid is supposed to be an honor, not a chore.

By the way, another possible reason for your heightened sense of frustration is that your wedding is just a few days away. Try not to stress over the little details or even the problems with people around you. Instead, think about what your wedding day means to you and to your partner and what a great day it will surely be. Good luck, and congratulations!

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be a firm bride
I'm going to be a bridesmaid this summer, and I can only say this to all future brides -- please be firm about what your vision is. Everything from what you want your bridesmaids to look like, to how you want their hair done. I had the wonderful blessing of being a maid for this bride who gave us the "freedom" to choose our dresses and shoes. If I had known this would tear my friendship with the other bridesmaids apart, I would not have accepted this position. It took us 3 months to decide what dress to wear (and by that time, the dress was so limited, we had to call every state to find out if they had it in stock), and we're still deciding on what shoes to wear. I wish I could just walk away from this whole thing... Besides that issue, there's also the issue of who's going to arrange the bachelorette party or bridal shower. The bride's sister, who happens to be her sister, wants to take care of that. She's in med school in another state, for heaven's sake, and she knows she barely has time for this! But she's refused our help many times, because she felt that it is her honor as a maid of honor and sister. So, my guess is that we're not going to have any parties. I'm just so sick already of brides who has no control, or wants no control over her bridesmaids' situation. Advice for all brides: please be firm with yours.
--Posted by Julia, Boston, MA

Frustrated
I understand your frustration. Your bridesmaids need to see what role they are to play. It's YOUR day so you have a right to be a little frustrated with them. As a bridesmaid myself, I understand that it's not about me or what I want. I need to be there for my friend. The other bridesmaids in my friend's wedding are behaving exactly as you described. I hope things get better.
--Posted by Adlib421, Indianapolis, IN

whiners
you all seem to have lost the real reason for a wedding...to start a life with the one you love...if you all would put as much effort into your marriages as you do the wedding and the plans, the divorce rate would be nil. the expense and responsibility of being a bridesmaid can become ridiculous.
--Posted by dfins, charlottesville, VA

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