The Everything Wedding Shower Book

What about the Gifts? How Do I Tell Guests to Bring Them?

Most people know when they attend a shower a gift is expected -- it's American female lore. So you don't need to write anything specific UNLESS it's a themed shower, in which case you need to be as specific as your theme requires. (Like: Just Lingerie, Kitchenware, Books, Things That Are Orange, you know!) It is expected and highly appropriate to tell shower guests about the location of the bridal registry. This is where the bride has hopefully listed everything she wants from a specific store, usually. That way, Brenda who is flying in for the shower from Tulsa, who hasn't seen the bride since they were fourteen, will have an idea of what sort of things her friend is into now. You should list the location and contact information for the bridal registry. Even if the guests don't buy something off the registry, it will give them an idea of her sense of taste if they take the time to investigate. And if they don't, well, that's what returns are for.

What Kinds of Gifts Are Appropriate?

The gifts that are most traditional for a wedding shower are things for the new couple's home. At themed or coed parties, the gifts are appropriate for the subject.

What If My Bride Doesn't Have a Bridal Registry?

If your bride doesn't have a registry, it could be because she's embarrassed to appear to be asking for stuff. It could be it hasn't occurred to her. It could be she didn't have time. It could be she doesn't want to.

In truth, just explain to your bride she will save three things by getting herself down to a store and setting up a bridal registry: She will save the guests at her wedding or shower from embarrassment, because they won't have to fuss and worry about getting something she will like. Lots of people have no clue how to buy a gift for someone, or how to figure out what someone else will like. Remember the worst gift someone ever gave you?

Second, she will save herself time. Yes, time. Otherwise, she's going to be doing a lot of standing in return lines after the wedding, trying to get rid of the sixteen blenders she got, or the sheets with the ghastly design sized for a queen bed when she and her groom bought a king size.

Third, she will save herself a lot of lies and embarrassment. Guests to the wedding are likely to become guests in the new couple's home in the future. And whether they admit it or not, they'll likely look around for their gift. Won't she feel silly trying to explain where she put that lovely candleholder made from glazed-on crushed potato chips, or the cuckoo clock with the little man who comes out and plays "God Save the Queen" on his harmonica.

In other words, if she doesn't have one, drive her to a store well in advance of her party and don't let her leave until she's registered.

The Taming of the Shrew

First, although, of course, you always are, be polite to everyone who is helping you, whether they are being paid or not. As the tensions mount, and particularly if this is the first event you've handled, you might become a shrew. I used to become a shrew in the few hours before an event. I would just go nuts when someone called at the last minute to say they couldn't do or bring or that I had never ordered something, or something. So chill out, sister! Plan for a little bit of insanity, a touch of imperfection, and trust your own organizational skills.

Let Your Fingers Do the Talking

The second secret of good staff management is phone numbers. Yep, that's it. For everybody who says they are going to do something, write down what it is they are promising to do or bring, what their numbers are, and when they will call you to confirm that they are doing or bringing it. Call them the week before to remind them what they promised. Expect surprises. That's why you, the consummate shower thrower, have secret number three...

Have a Backup Plan for Your Backup Plan

While this obviously isn't brain surgery, people are the unpredictable factor in all your planning, and things will go wrong. Those of you who share my perfectionist tendencies will want to maim whoever thwarts the perfect shower you have planned, but we will avert disaster with a great backup plan. Here's how it works:

If you are doing it potluck, have two of everything coming (e.g., two green salads, two casseroles, two fruit salads, etc.).
No matter how you are preparing the food, know that for the right price, at the last minute you can get the local deli, grocery store, or convenience package to smooth over the rough spots. No green salads? Go get the prepackaged, prewashed lettuce for $2.39 and a premade Caesar salad kit. One minute later, you've got the missing salad on the table.
The bakery screwed up the cake and it says "Happy Sixth Birthday, Tommy!" which you noticed after you got it home. Fine. Lose Tommy's name with a cold knife on a chilled cake. (The icing will lift right off.) Replace it with your own message, using a tube of decorator's gel (from the baking goods section). Tommy's cake is decorated like a dinosaur? Sprinkle it with some colorful flakes and a plastic whatever you bought to decorate the table with, and add some nonpoisonous flowers.

See? Everything is remedy-able. Worse things would include rain on your garden party. You would have called in advance, however, to make sure you had a backup location or a party-rental place ready to bring you a big waterproof canopy on a half-hour's notice. It might cost a bit more, but at least it won't ruin your party!

The bottom line of backup plans is: Try not to need one. Call the people you are counting on, even the professionals (bakers, caterers, musicians), to confirm a week ahead, and if you know someone is a space cadet, call also the day before. You are entitled to be nutty. In the words of the whining song from the '60s, or a very close rendition thereof: "It's my party and I'll panic if I want to, panic if I want to, panic if I want to..." Choose not to panic by following the steps in this book for a flawless event.

How Do I Properly Acknowledge Anyone Who Helps Me?

With the exception of a party you cohost with someone else (in which case both of your names would appear on the invitation as the hostesses), the best and easiest way to thank the people who help you is loudly and in public at the shower. Check this probable scenario out (You are now named Martha...):

"Oh, Martha! That's a lovely cake!" says Gertrude.

You say, "Oh yes, isn't it amazing? Pam actually baked and decorated it herself. Can you believe how great she did?" Smiling at Pam, you introduce her to Gertrude if they don't know one another.

You are now the greatest hostess in the world. See? They both think you are gracious and charming and charitable. (OK, now you can go back to your regular name.)

People love, love, love praise. People are like big dogs that like to be scratched behind the ears. Period. Even people who are shy. Really. Try it. They'll feel all warm and fuzzy inside from your kindness and your grateful acknowledgement of their contribution to your successful party. Plus, you will look totally gracious and like the perfect hostess. Oh yes, and send a sweet, short thank-you note after the shower, too. That's classy.

Countdown to the Party!

Six Weeks Before:

Determine your budget.
Select location, date, and time.
Decide on theme.
Get list of possible attendees' addresses from bride.
Go buy party goods or at least invitations, unless you make them by hand.

One Month Before:

Input names and addresses into your computer.
Mail invitations to your potential attendees.
Order the cake.
Select a menu.
Hire a caterer.

Two Weeks Before:

Make first RSVP calls to stragglers.
Start buying nonperishable food items.
Buy the last-minute decorations.
Call a local maid service.

One Week Before:

Confirm the cake.
Confirm the caterer.
Confirm the room.
Make last RSVP calls.
Make the party favors.
Call to confirm the schedule with any entertainers you have hired.

The Day Before:

Hang the decorations (but not paper streamers!).
Make the ice flower bouquets.
Prepare advance food.
Do any baking.
Buy any perishable grocery items.
Make sure you have at least three rolls of film and good flash batteries.
Make sure you have spare light bulbs.
Set up any games you will be playing.

The Morning Of:

Frost the cake and refrigerate it when you're done.
Get out every single serving utensil you will use and lay them out.
Set the tables, including the gift table.
Wash a head of romaine lettuce to garnish trays.

Two Hours Before:

Arrange, pick up, or have the flowers delivered.
Finish the decorating.
Finish the major cooking.
Put two or three stems of flowers in a bud vase in your bathroom.
Put a pad and pen on the chair of the person who will sit to the bride's right during gift opening.
Clean the litter box, spray air freshener.

One Hour Before:

Make sure your bathroom is sparkling clean.
Put an extra roll of toilet paper in an obvious but discreet place.
Go put on a nice outfit and do your makeup again.

Fifteen Minutes Before:

Add ice to the punch.
Put the cake on the table.
Light the candles.
Straighten up your kitchen.
Turn on the music -- unless you hired somebody.
Put Kitty or Rover away so they don't get scared by guests or cause any problems.

Minding the Phone

There is one commonly known secret to all entertaining: The last few hours before the event, the phone will ring with a bunch of insanely trivial questions. It's guaranteed. If you're as sweet as apple pie, you can pick it up every time and kindly tell the callers what they need to know. Me, I don't do sweet, but you already know that from reading this book.

Now, call me evil but I never have time for all the calls before a party. And the reasons for calling always seem silly. And I'm always busy, like you'll probably be. So here are my suggestions for handling these unwelcome last minute "emergency" phone calls.

Get an official phone answerer -- like a teenage kid. Have them answer the questions and deal with the results, and not disturb you unless it's major.
Put your answering machine on and screen the calls. Change your outgoing message to state, "Hi, this is Shellie. I'm getting ready for Cindy's wedding shower right now, and I cannot answer the phone. If you are calling about the shower, it's from 7:30 to 9 p.m., dress is casual, dinner will be served. The address is 213 Maple Drive, just south of Canyon View off Westcott Road. It's OK if you are going to be a little late, if you want to bring someone, or if you cannot make it at the last minute. Leave a message and let me know what's up with you. Everybody else can leave a message, too."

Think about it: How likely is it that the stalker your Mom warned you about when you moved out on your own will be randomly dialing answering machines and get your number and address and crash the party? Not very. It's much more likely 99 percent of the calls you get during the three hours that this is your outgoing message will be from people who are related somehow to the party!

Dealing with Emergencies

Just like the Boy Scouts always say, "Be prepared!" Flat tires, people choking, someone throws up on your carpet, her ex crashes the party, your kid gets the flu that morning, aaarrrgggh! These things happen.

First of all, emotionally prepare yourself that anything can happen. The worst attitude I think you can have is "This has to be perfect." Reality check! Nobody's perfect. Most people will have a really great time and be totally oblivious to things that go wrong. It's like her wedding -- and like yours. It never goes exactly as planned, and stressing out won't help.

In the case of medical emergencies, of course you'd dial 911. Brush up on the Heimlich maneuver, too, just in case. Have some local guy on call in case someone gets a flat tire or locks her keys in her car or something -- not that you cannot take care of it, but it's going to take one more responsibility off your plate. Be prepared to find a replacement babysitter at the last minute for your kid(s).

Have the items in the following list on hand. You probably have most of them, but check:

A whisk broom and dustpan
An extra roll of paper towels
Bandages
Aspirin, Tylenol, Maalox
Tampons
Extra roll of toilet paper
A "Slim Jim" tool for opening locked car doors
Large trash bags
Carpet cleaner
Rubber gloves and a bucket
Safety pins
A main phone with your home phone number and address right nearby
Extra lightbulbs
A toilet plunger
Drain-o
A small fire extinguisher

Now you have nothing left to worry about, so stop!

Who Should Arrive First?

Depending on your situation, the bride or the guests should arrive first. If it's a surprise shower, you obviously already can answer this question.

It's wonderful if you have a bride who is willing to arrive a half hour early to help you with the last-minute stuff. She can also greet people as they come (some of whom are probably total strangers to you) and introduce people to one another. But she doesn't have to do this, of course, and probably won't want to if she's already stressed to the max from planning the wedding, or if she isn't the very social type already.

Otherwise, your guests should be scheduled to arrive half an hour before the bride. This way, latecomers still are there in time when the bride walks in and when the bride gets there, she sees a huge pile of presents neatly arranged on the table you've decorated, waiting for her. She also walks into a room full of friends, which is a very nice feeling.

Weddings

The Everything Wedding Shower Book