Q

What do you do when your basically non-practicing Jewish mother wants a rabbi at your wedding and you want nothing of the kind? My fiance and I are different religions (I'm Jewish, he's Methodist) but are both totally non-religious. We're very spiritual people but don't really see a religious wedding ceremony as part of our plan. My mother feels it's important to preserve our heritage (my little brother and father are Orthodox Jews, but my mother is nowhere close to that level of religious practice). Having a religious service would feel hypocritical to me, but I am torn between doing what I want and totally disappointing my mother. She has always been supportive, and has always been there for me. She says a Jewish ceremony is important to her, but what about what's important to me? --iVillager from diva_girl22



A

Dear Diva:

You're absolutely right to want your wedding ceremony to accurately reflect you and your groom and your beliefs. But let us let you in on the secret to trouble-free wedding planning: When you come up against opposition, see if there's a way you can work with it before you fight against it -- without simply consenting. In this case, you clearly can't have a rabbi officiate at your ceremony if it won't feel right to you or your groom. But that's not to say you can't incorporate your heritage in other ways that don't seem hypocritical to you.

In fact, it's common practice in wedding ceremonies for couples to borrow rituals from a variety of cultures. In your case, why not incorporate a few Jewish traditions? You might marry under a huppah, or wedding canopy, which symbolizes leaving your family homes and creating a welcoming, comfortable home of your own. You might do the ritual breaking of the glass at the end of the ceremony, which symbolizes the fragility of life and commitment of marriage. There's also a lovely tradition of wrapping the bride and groom together in a talit, or prayer shawl, and then blessing their marriage. You might consider incorporating Methodist traditions, too, such as the lighting of the unity candle, which symbolizes the joining of your two families and lives. And why stop there? You can borrow the African tradition of jumping the broom to ward off evil spirits and jump into your new life together. Or the Filipino tradition of binding the couples' wrists together with twine to symbolize the joining together in the journey of marriage. All of these customs are just as meaningful -- if not more so -- as walking down the aisle with something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. So go ahead and make them yours.

Diva, try not to let this first run-in with your mom dampen your bridal spirits. Hold firm about not letting a rabbi officiate if this is a battle you feel strongly about winning (and we assume it is), but show her that her feelings matter by finding a middle ground you and your groom are comfortable with. Above all else, never lose sight of why you're planning this wedding in the first place: to join the two of you together in matrimony.

Good luck,
The Wedding Women