Should you invite your ex to your wedding?

Some people might not agree with this but here goes. Many moons ago I dated my second cousin. We were together for three years and he turned to drugs. We broke up and I am marrying the love of my life next year. The problem? My mom is paying for half of the wedding and wants to invite my ex. She says we can not invite everyone else in the family and not him. My fiancé despises him and there is a lot of bad blood between them. Any advice?

our experts say:

Composing a wedding guest list is a task that nearly every bride and groom has to face. Whether cuts are due to budget, space constraints or interpersonal concerns, they're almost always inevitable and they're never fun decisions to make.

As a rule of thumb, if the thought of inviting an individual gives you more than a moment's pause, that person does not belong at your event. This is your wedding, after all, and it's a day on which you should be surrounded by people toward whom you derive comfort and love. Clearly, neither you nor your groom have such a relationship with your second cousin and former boyfriend. His presence at your marriage would cause you both nothing but worry and pain.

To us, your position is perfectly reasonable and one that your relatives aren't likely to question or think unjust. But if your mother, as the host, feels otherwise, it's important to try and change her mind. If you haven't already, calmly explain your position to her. Do this as a couple so that she understands the full impact of denying your request. But stand united -- don't make your fiance the heavy. If talking face to face is too difficult, put your thoughts on paper. Do whatever it takes to make sure that your feelings are heard.

Be fair, of course, and listen to your mother's point of view, too. Try to get at the root of her hesitation to exclude your cousin. Is she afraid of upsetting his parents? Does her refusal to accommodate you stem from a fear of seeming rude? Ask her to express herself, and also ask if there's a scenario under which she'd feel more comfortable with not inviting this man.

The answer may be to make a unilateral decision to exclude all second cousins, instead of just the one. That way, your ex's absence can't be seen as a personal affront. In fact, such across-the-board cutting (of cousins, colleagues, dates for unmarried guests, etc.) is the best way to reduce an out-of-control guest list equitably and efficiently. Doing so is perfectly in line with good etiquette.

Another point worth mentioning to your mother: Inviting your ex to your wedding could be construed as her being unkind. Here's this poor guy, struggling with drugs and a life in shambles, and she expects him to watch his lost love marry a man toward whom he harbors ill will? Thinking of things from your ex's point of view -- the anger and humiliation he might feel upon receiving your invitation -- is likely to change your mother's mind.

We're confident that your mother will come around. But if she doesn't, we strongly urge you not to give in. Having your ex-boyfriend at your wedding is asking for trouble. You two don't want him there any more than he probably wants to attend. Ironically, that's one thing about which all three of you can agree.

The Wedding Women

85 member responses

members say:

---

---

---

view first post | back to top | send to a friend | view most recent post

---

---