by Sharon Naylor (see more from this expert)

Q My fiance is planning on making a speech at the reception thanking everyone who was involved. I want to thank my parents for their support during all of the planning. The thing is, my parents are paying for 70% of the wedding and his family is paying 30%. His parents have not helped with anything; all they have done is make a few snide comments. If we publicly thank my parents, do we need to thank his parents too?

--missjen316


A This happens a lot with family groups where one set of parents contributed (and supported) way more than the other set of parents, and it puts the bride and groom in a really awkward position when they're trying to 'do the fair thing' and acknowledge the people who did make the planning process pleasant, and who did support them emotionally during the planning stage. It has so much more to do with how the bride and groom were treated than how much money the parents could afford to give.

So let's not focus on the money part. Now here's where it gets interesting for any bride and groom...no matter what kind of experience you had with parents during the planning process, it's good etiquette to acknowledge both sets of parents no matter what the degree of their help. So, even though your future in-laws have annoyed you and caused drama, what you're really acknowledging on the wedding day is their lifetime of support and love for the groom. So here's how your parental acknowledgements might be expressed:

1. With your parents contributing 70% of the wedding expenses, they should be listed on the invitation's first line, such as

Mr. and Mrs. (name)
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
(you)

and so on... That first line of the invitation shows that the parents are acknowledged and publicly honored as hosts of the wedding. That's a big thing for parents.

2. When you make your programs, you can add a note from the two of you thanking *both* sets of parents for their lifetime of love and support which has made you both the people you are, etc. It's a gracious move for you to treat the parents as equals in this particular format (the printed program) because you're not focusing on the wedding plans but rather on their parental support over your lifetime.

3. Resist the temptation to make a toast at the reception thanking your parents for creating such a gorgeous wedding for you...yes, that would be terrific for your parents to hear, but that's really going to hurt your fiance's family's feelings, and if you think they're difficult now, just wait until they start with the resentment over how you made them look bad at the reception! Your parents will get all the credit possible at the reception by all of the guests, and you can supplement that with a toast to your parents from you as one of the toasts of the evening, where you thank them for all they've done for the two of you. No need to get into "for planning and paying for this dream wedding," since that's considered tacky. The credit they deserve is automatically part of the day.

4. Dedicate a song to your parents, a spotlight dance such as their own wedding song.

Long story short, talk with your groom about how you'll publicly thank both sets of parents. Agree as a team to what makes you both the most comfortable, and don't forget that what you do now sets the foundation for your future as an extended family with his mother. So it's a great idea to thank *her* at the wedding for all the things she has done right in the groom's life and during the planning stage, as well.

--Sharon Naylor

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