Whose Wedding Is It, Anyway?

Pick Your Battles

If it looks like serious obstacles are going to arise, figure out what three elements are absolutely nonnegotiable for you and your partner. These could be big things: having a civil rather than a religious ceremony; having representatives from both your faiths officiating; or holding the wedding in the city where you live now, rather than in the town where your parents and relatives live. Or they could be little things, such as not wearing a white dress, walking down the aisle alone, or having your best male friends taking the maid-of-honor spot.

Then, figure out what three things are absolutely imperative from your family's point of view. Of course, some of these desires may be nonnegotiable or even possible to fulfill. Your relatives may wish your fiance was taller, or Korean, or Catholic - all things that neither they nor you can do anything about. But some of their wishes you may be able to live with, even if you wouldn't have chosen them yourself. These could be as simple as growing out your hair, carrying a bouquet, or, yes, registering for loot at a big-name department store near your grandparents' house, even though you and your beau already have all the wineglasses and salad bowls you need. As any diplomat can tell you, compromise on the little things and you'll have more leverage on the big issues.

Finally, anyone who's ever had a boss can tell you that the person signing the checks is the one who calls the shots. Weddings can part you from a significant chunk of cash, and financial support from relatives can really help, especially if you're moving into a new apartment or saving for a house. In the long run, though, you'll probably enjoy a less-lavish wedding that really suits your style more than you would a fancier one that feels planned for someone else.


Excerpted from The Anti-Bride Guide by Carolyn Gerin and Stephanie Rosenbaum, Chronicle Books, 2002.