Unless you run away to Vegas or slink down to City Hall on your lunch break, your wedding won't happen in a vacuum. Once you start letting your friends and family in on your wedding plans, you may be in for a shock. Since they involve so many traditions, weddings can bring out the hidden traditionalist trapped inside even the most progressive people. Don't be surprised if your otherwise reasonably hip siblings, parents, or coworkers suddenly start asking if you've picked out your china pattern, or what song you and your dad are going to dance to at the reception.
Getting the wedding you want - as opposed to the wedding your parents or in-laws think you should have - requires determination, diplomacy, and cash. First off, try to believe that those who are driving you crazy are doing it out of love, not just because they have control issues. Maybe lack of money, wartime, or family opposition prevented your mom from getting the wedding she wanted, and now she's determined to see your wedding done right. Maybe your dad shakes his head at your vintage dress; where you see beautiful tailoring, your father sees someone else's old clothes and feels ashamed for you.
You love your relatives and your friends, and you want them there to celebrate and support your commitment, your responsibility, and your incredibly good luck in finding your soul mate. But just as so many of the traditions of the wedding ceremony focus on the couple's creation of a new family unit, the real center of the wedding is you, your spouse, and the person who conducts your ceremony. The three of you are the people who really matter; everyone else's presence is a gift.
Learn how to Pick Your Battles
Pick Your Battles
If it looks like serious obstacles are going to arise, figure out what three elements are absolutely nonnegotiable for you and your partner. These could be big things: having a civil rather than a religious ceremony; having representatives from both your faiths officiating; or holding the wedding in the city where you live now, rather than in the town where your parents and relatives live. Or they could be little things, such as not wearing a white dress, walking down the aisle alone, or having your best male friends taking the maid-of-honor spot.
Then, figure out what three things are absolutely imperative from your family's point of view. Of course, some of these desires may be nonnegotiable or even possible to fulfill. Your relatives may wish your fiance was taller, or Korean, or Catholic - all things that neither they nor you can do anything about. But some of their wishes you may be able to live with, even if you wouldn't have chosen them yourself. These could be as simple as growing out your hair, carrying a bouquet, or, yes, registering for loot at a big-name department store near your grandparents' house, even though you and your beau already have all the wineglasses and salad bowls you need. As any diplomat can tell you, compromise on the little things and you'll have more leverage on the big issues.
Finally, anyone who's ever had a boss can tell you that the person signing the checks is the one who calls the shots. Weddings can part you from a significant chunk of cash, and financial support from relatives can really help, especially if you're moving into a new apartment or saving for a house. In the long run, though, you'll probably enjoy a less-lavish wedding that really suits your style more than you would a fancier one that feels planned for someone else.
Excerpted from The Anti-Bride Guide by Carolyn Gerin and Stephanie Rosenbaum, Chronicle Books, 2002.
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