You've probably heard the term "bridezilla." But as a recent bride, I'm here to tell you about the lesser known term the "guestzilla." I'm referring to that difficult guest present at nearly every wedding. Take, for example, my Aunt Nancy: She actually complained on the reply card that we had scheduled the post-wedding breakfast too early in the morning for her taste.
Whether the guestzilla is having a bad week or is simply a demanding person in general, she can wreak havoc on the bride's sanity before or during her special day. Here, wedding planner Ann Marlin, owner of Nancy Chase Weddings & Celebrations, and Caroline Tiger, author of How to Behave: A Guide to Modern Manners for the Socially Challenged help us navigate six of the most common guestzilla issues.
Have Another
"My father-in-law was already drunk going into the 5pm ceremony. He was so toasted by the reception that, while dancing with one of my friends, he grabbed her breasts. And then he attempted to lift up another one's dress — a moment immortalized by the photographer. Ah, memories!"
Tiger says the offensive guest's date or family member is responsible for him and should be the one to address the issue as soon as possible: "As soon as they notice a problem, they should discreetly escort him into the nearest bathroom to splash cold water on his face or up to his room for an early bedtime."
White Washed
"One guest showed up at my wedding (which was very small and private, just for family and two or three very close friends) in an ostentatious, tea-length, white lace gown. Since I was just wearing a cream-colored skirt and jacket, she looked a lot more like the bride than I did."
Marlin says, in cases like this, there's no reason to worry. "The focus of the day is still on the bride," she says, "not usually the guest who is trying to steal the spotlight." Tiger suggests going with a comment such as, "Why, I thought you were the bride; how embarrassing for me and for you! Why don't you put this on so nobody else confuses you with the person we're supposed to be celebrating today?" Then hand her a sweater or a wrap.
Is This Seat Taken?
"Our reception was in a very fancy restaurant we'd rented out for the night. People had to choose entrees in advance and seating was carefully chosen. But we had a guest show up without RSVPing."
Tiger says there should be a point person, such as the wedding planner or maid-of-honor, who deals with emergencies like these. That person should first consult the bride: Should the unexpected guest be accommodated or asked to leave? Normally, a restaurant or caterer will prepare a certain percentage of food over the guaranteed amount, and it's likely an extra chair can be added somewhere. However, if the setting is intimate and there is no room, or desire, to squeeze in the unexpected guest, then the point person should let the guest know there isn't a spot for him at any of the tables. "He or she should be apologetic about it. 'I'm very sorry, but we didn't get your RSVP, so we figured you weren't coming,'" Tiger suggests.
Chicken, Fish... or Ham?
"A family member we aren't close with brought her own sheet music to the reception. Then she proceeded to tell the band that she was going to sing a song and asked them to accompany her. When the band leader told us about this, we were in shock. We agreed to let her do it for the sake of peace, but it would have been nice if she asked us herself before the wedding."
This one's easy, says Tiger: "Tell the person that the reception is scheduled down to the minute. Any impromptu additions will just upset the whole evening's plans. You wish she'd told you about her performance earlier, but there's no way you can accommodate her now."
We're Not Kidding
"I had a friend who got very upset when I told her that we were aiming for an adult-only wedding and weren't planning to have kids there. She said her child was what she was most proud of in her life right now, and to be told she couldn't bring him was very hurtful."
The guest list is the bride and groom's decision. End of story. "It is your wedding and your guests are invited to celebrate with you," Marlins says. "Plus, an adult reception is not uncommon." Tiger adds that weddings are filled with decisions made by the couple and their families for reasons that shouldn't be questioned by the people who're attending. "It's actually rude for them to ask," she says. "So don't feel pressured to provide a reason why."
Thank You! I'll Be Here All Week!
"I hate to say this, but my father was kind of a 'problem guest' at toast time. With a few drinks in him, he got quite comfortable in front of the microphone. He didn't say anything embarrassing but he was up there for way too long. My sister, brother and I kept shooting pained looks at each other."
If you have a parent, relative or friend who's likely to go on for too long, you might give your toastmaster (usually the best man) permission to step in at your signal (a head nod, an ear tug), Tiger says. "He might approach the toaster and whisper in his ear that there are a bunch more people who need to give toasts, so could he please wrap it up?" she suggests.