Q

I just got engaged, and me and my guy have begun talking about the people we want to invite to our wedding. We've already hit a snag: He dated a girl for five years, whom he almost married, and they broke up six years ago. She is now married and has a child. The two times we met she was very quiet and seemed to be sizing me up. Anyway, the question came up as to whether she and her husband should be invited. I should add that her parents and my fiance's parents are fairly close friends. Still, I'm not crazy about having her at my wedding. I can't help but feel that when my fiance is walking down the aisle, he's going to see her in the church and start remembering their times together. Am I being shallow? I just feel like our wedding is no place for any of our exes to be. I feel that this is our day and I don't want her being a part of it. What do I do? --iVillager hf3817



A

Dear hf:

Would it make you feel better to know that we hear this same dilemma from dozens and dozens of brides every year? Let's face it: We all have people in our past (or present) who make our current partner uncomfortable. And there's nothing like a wedding to bring the issue to a head.

While we don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with inviting an ex to a wedding, when it causes anxiety (and it usually does), we advise against it. The bottom line: If inviting an ex is going to detract from either the bride's or the groom's enjoyment of the big day, it's not a good idea.

You and your groom need to talk about whether he intends for this ex-girlfriend to remain a part of his (and your!) life after you two are married. If he does, then he'd better be honest about it now. And you'd better agree or disagree to this now -- before you walk down the aisle. There's no reason to let these feelings fester and cause damage to your marriage later on. Clearly, for you to be comfortable with this woman's being part of your fiance's future, their friendship is going to have to evolve to include you and her husband. And if you agree to build the friendship after the wedding, then of course this woman and her husband should be part of your big day.

On the other hand, if you can't stand for this friendship to continue after the wedding, and your fiance agrees to end it, then there's no reason to invite his ex. If he doesn't agree to end the friendship and you can't reconcile your negative feelings about it, don't ignore the problem. One or both of you will only end up feeling resentful. Instead, consider talking to a couple's therapist or your clergyman, who may be able to help you resolve the issue. At any rate, if you're still unresolved about this woman being at your wedding by the time the invitations need to be sent out, then she shouldn't be invited.

Hang in there. You two can work through this.

The Wedding Women