While a wedding is a joyous occasion, there are some not-so-happy issues you, as the bride, will have to handle. From deciding who is paying for the wedding to the wedding guest list to whether or not to sign a prenuptial agreement, we have the answers to the most common family issues you'll need to deal with.
Q. My family is footing almost the entire bill for our wedding, but my fiance's family is humongous. I know that the traditional rules aren't going to work perfectly, and I definitely want to try to deal with any strife way before it comes to a head. Do you have any suggestions as to how we should handle the wedding guest list?
A. Guest lists are tricky even under the best of circumstances. If your parents are covering the cost, tradition holds that they get to invite more guests. Still, size matters. If his family is that much bigger, it is apropos for them to have a proportionate number of guests, no matter what the cost. Before anyone starts inviting anyone, why not get guest "wish lists" from all involved parties (with the understanding that there will be trimming)? This is especially important because it's not just your parents doing the inviting. Obviously, there are also going to be his friends, your friends, and the friends the two of you share. Once you have an idea of the overall numbers you'll be working with, it'll be easy to devise a cut-and-dried formula for dealing with it. For example, maybe the parents' close friends can be kept, but coworkers will be cut. The best way to handle guest list tension? Don't leave anyone in the dark. So long as everyone is clear about the rules of the game, you shouldn't have to worry as much about hurting anyone's feelings, however inadvertently.
Q. We are several months into planning our wedding, but my future in-laws have not yet offered to contribute, financially or otherwise. I asked my fiance to speak with them, but he seems very reluctant to do so. Should I assume they do not wish to contribute, or should I speak with them myself? I really don't want to offend them, but we do need to know!
A. Of course you don't want to offend them, and you've hit on the most important factor here -- how you interact with your new in-laws while planning your wedding can set the stage for how you'll get along once you're married, so it makes sense to be careful and sensitive. Still, you shouldn't assume that they don't want to contribute at all -- leaving them out by default risks offending them, too.The first thing to do is talk to your fiance. Your instinct was right -- it's always best for the person whose parents you're dealing with to talk to them first, alone. Why? Because that's the most comfortable way to discuss a touchy subject. If you're there -- or if the subject is raised solely by you -- his parents may not feel free to say what they really think. Find out why your fiance seems reluctant to speak to them -- maybe he's nervous because he knows they're not able to contribute financially. In that case, maybe they can help with wedding planning in other ways, such as making phone calls to get prices, helping you shop, or reserving a block of hotel rooms for out-of-towners. Your fiance might also be afraid of his parents' reactions if he asks them for money. Maybe they aren't aware of their role or feel strange asking about it. If so, you two need to brainstorm a good way to broach the subject. One way would be to let them know about the "traditional" contributions (financial and otherwise) of the groom's family. Either way, the two of you should be able to whip up a plan to draw them out and get a definitive answer. And who knows, even though you find your current situation not so hot, you might be pleasantly surprised in the end.
Q. My parents have been pressuring me to talk to my fiance about signing a prenuptial agreement. They're planning on passing a sizeable inheritance on to me, and want to be sure I'm protecting my assets. As much as I don't want to think about that kind of worst-case scenario right now, I know they're right. How do I bring it up with him?
A. The good news is that prenuptial agreements don't have the stigma that they once did and aren't just used by rich dudes protecting themselves against potential gold diggers. Couples today are getting married later in life and are much more likely to have accrued significant assets by the time they wed. The other side of the coin, of course, is that marriages nowadays are more likely to end in divorce, so to-be-weds are more interested in protecting themselves through pre-nups. You need to start by being frank: admit that while bringing up the idea that you could get a divorce or die defies the traditional image of the starry-eyed bride, you are bringing it up for a specific reason and (believe it or not) there are some definite perks to the process. First, remind him that prenuptial agreements actually allow you as a couple to decide what will happen to your cash -- no matter who's earning it -- rather than leaving those decisions up to a judge. Then point out that drawing up a pre-nup forces couples to face their finances and start planning for the future -- something most newlyweds don't start to think about for years. You will both have to fully disclose your assets and sources of income (whether it's from your job or business or from a monetary gift like an inheritance). Once you've got that out in the open and on paper, you (and your lawyers) will decide together how it will be divvied up -- not only who will get the money, but, if you like, how it will be invested or otherwise spent. While it might not be the most cheerful part of your wedding planning, it will have you breathing a lot easier in the long run.
-- The Knot
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