by Eileen Livers and Monica Bernstein

Q

Dear Wedding Women:

This is a really tricky one: I'm not sure whether to invite my father to our wedding. We're not in touch, and he's very much into playing the victim at occasions such as this. My parents' breakup was really messy, and they don't get along, but my father also doesn't like any of their formerly mutual friends, a lot of whom will be there. At our engagement party he hemmed and hawed over whether he'd come and then spent the whole night telling me how hard it was for him and his new wife while eating the food I'd made and drinking our booze. My problem (and this sounds really horrible): I don't know if I can be bothered with him moping around our wedding looking sorry for himself and not really talking to people he's known for years. This is causing a lot of sleepless nights. Am I being petty and cruel, or is this supposed to be a day I enjoy? Thanks for your thoughts in advance.

-- Tanz



A

Dear Tanz:

What a tough situation! We're sorry you have to deal with it during such a happy time in your life. The best way to handle your father might be to have a talk with him about your wedding day. While it may difficult to tell him how nervous you are about his behavior and that it makes you uncomfortable, it's a better option than either not inviting him or not saying anything and sweating it out through your wedding day. Although we understand your temptation to not invite him, he is your father. You may not have a very good relationship with him, but you should know that not inviting him will ensure that you have NO relationship with him in the future -- or a very bad one. Do you really want that? This may be the time to try to make your relationship better. And being honest with him about your concerns is a start.

When you talk with him, be sure to choose your words carefully. You don't want to accuse him of ruining your engagement party or potentially ruining your wedding. Instead, tell him that you're worried that he may feel uncomfortable at the wedding with so many of his old or former friends there. Say that you hope he can ignore any ill will and be happy for you on your wedding day and enjoy the celebration. Or something along those lines.

We hope this helps. Good luck!